Days in the life of Giggles.

Sisters are apparently being interviewed soon by Protective Services. If I find out anything has happened to them, I don't think I will be able to ever forgive myself for not coming out about this sooner. I don't know what I will do. My mom can't see them until the interview process is over because she is an 'outside source'. Bull shit.

What is going on?

Every single fucking year, just before school starts. Something happens. It's like, "Hello, Haley, this is the universe. I'm going to fuck with you for a little while then after three months everything will return to the normal and you will have to spend the next six months trying to get your grades back up and deal with everything else running through your mind. You're welcome."


FUCK YOU. :D
 

Pre-camp was a lot of fun today. I got a little toasted. It's really funny. I put sunscreen on before I rolled up my sleeves on the field. So, I have a reverse farmers burn. :) It's really quite funny. And I got it the worst on the back of my arm on the right side. Freaking sun and facing one way the entire time of basics block. I was really frustrated when he said that he wasn't announcing section leader until tomorrow or Thursday. It's just taking painstakingly long. 

( .. )

I got a haircut too. It's really short now. I hate how my hair gets poofy on top, then shorter on the bottom. Whateva, I like it.

The next couple of days should be fun. I love being with friends. It just gives me another reminder of how much I want to be here. I need that sometimes. Okay... a lot of the time. I guess there's a Tony party on Friday. I hope no one else is having something. I'm sure someone else is going to have a bon-fire. Packed day on Friday. :) 

Pre-camp is tomorrow. I haven't been able to sleep lately. I need it...
I'm pumped though, still a little freaked out on Schuster's pick for section leader. Everyone knows what is for the best, but is he gonna do it. I'm just gonna be happy tomorrow when he picks one and it's all over with. Ha... sure.
 

Stayed up til 3:30AM, slept til 3PM.

 

Had a weird dream.
Stedry was in it...
Odd.
 

These past few days have been...

Last Wednesday, I was supposed to go to counseling at Mott, but instead I ended up having my step-dad & sisters come over for dinner. Then have the next three hours after that have my my grandma talk about how much she likes my step-dad and how she likes him wayyy more than she likes my own mother. It's really nice to hear that.
The next day was the last day of school, I stayed there until 3. I helped Chahbazi and Cavric inventory and random stuff. It was actually pretty fun. I'm gonna miss them this summer. Weird.
After that, I went with Sarah to shop for her bonfire, then we rented six movies [and watched 2 of them]. It felt like the whole day was gone, but then we had the bonfire too. I was in a mood, mostly because of the happenings of the day before, I'd rather not go into detail on that, though. It was a funk, I just feel bad for everyone else at the party who had to deal with me. I probably would've had more fun if it weren't for him.
The day after that, Sarah & her dad dropped me off at Tony's, where the LAN party was going on. That was the most fun I've had in a very long time. All the guys were playing Call of Duty: World at War. The zombie game on there is freaking amazing.
The next day, I went home and had to watch my sisters for the night. I also got to hear from my mom about all the happenings in her life. That wasn't fun. I get so angry with her sometimes.

This week is pre-camp, then next Sunday is Wolverine. It's gonna be packed and crazy. I'm up for it though. Maybe...




( ... )

I do not blame you for Ally's death.










Trust me, I don't think that highly of you, Alex.

Apparently, I'm the reason half the marching band is mad at Alex.

 

HA HA fuckidy HA!

This is what I said to that: 

No I did not. They have their own opinions. I do nothing to sway anyone. I cannot choose what people think, or what they do. That is their thoughts. Their ideas. I do not sit there and tell people to be mad at you. People do have their own ideas about other people. It's called free will. I have not gotten have the DMB mad at you, that's not my problem. The only person I have control over is me, not them. So do NOT blame them being mad at you on me.
 

YAY! :)

I should probably make this post for just my friends. But I'm not going to. I hope that Alex realizes I have a livejournal. And I hope she comes on here and reads it.

If this is going to be like this for the rest of the year, I'm going to fucking lose it. LOSE IT! Here's how it went down.

The practice on Thursday, Alex was on the outside. About 5 people after we got done marching around the school came up to Calla and told her to put me or someone else on the outside instead of Alex. For the simple fact of Alex CAN'T MARCH WORTH SHIT! So, Calla went up to the sobbing Alex, and said, "Hey, at the parade, I'm going to switch you with Haley." She said okay. "That will be fine." She said. Simple. Well... today when we got in parade block, I walked over to Alex. "Hey, Calla said we were going to switch." Alex looked at me, then at Calla, "No." She said. Calla's jaw dropped. "What?" Alex got mad, "I don't want to." Sara said, "Listen to your section leader." Alex says, "No, I don't want to move." By this point, I'm totally shocked. I didn't even know what to do. That's when Alex started rambling about how she was in marching band a year longer. Then Schuster walked up. "What's going on?" I say, "Alex and I were going to switch spots. Calla wanted us to, but Alex says she doesn't 'Want to.'" Schuster looks over at Alex then back at me. Then he asked me to just get back in the block and paint a smile on. 

Calla and I were PISSED! What the fuck was that all about? I wasn't mad at Schuster. He didn't want a big bitch fight to happen in the middle of the fire department parking lot when we were ready to march. I don't blame him. So, Calla and I are livid throughout the parade. Half the time we weren't even focusing on marching. It wasn't like Alex could keep a straight line anyways.

So, we go to eat, and watch Mrs. Barrette almost kill Chari's baby. Then we go back to the school. Calla planned on talking with Schuster, because this was all DUMB AS FUCK! So, she goes in and talks to him. He didn't know how Alex had talked to Calla, or he would've said something. He put her on the outside because of her health. In case she had to drop out.

If you're dropping out while marching 800 feet, you shouldn't be in marching band. Simple.

So, I'm still angry, I get home and I log onto to facebook. That's when I see Alex's status. This is exactly what it says, copy and pasted right here: "parade should have gone well, but it didnt. Ticked off my whole section and it wasnt my fault,maybe i should quit, nope then she would have the glory of winning....hmmm what to do what to do ................."

WHAT A FUCKING BITCH!

I can not wait until I get section leader. I can't wait until her mom comes up to me and starts bitching. She will not know what has hit her. I've grown up knowing to respect your elders and all that shit. But no one deserves respect if they do not give it out. This is going to be one bullshit of a year.
 

Burned.

"You got your choice of pretty women. Why me?"
You're like the ocean, Pattyn. Pretty enough on the surface, but dive down into your depths and you'll find beauty most people never see. Lucky me. I fell in, headfirst.

Whatever happens, she said, I want you to know that you have given my life back to me. It was a gift I never believed possible, and I thank you, from the depths of my heart. But more importantly, you are a gift, to all who know you, whether or not they realize it. If they don't, they are blind. You have a special place in this world. All you have to do is find it. Do not give up on yourself, on the truths you have realized. Do not give in to those who would crush your dreams like nutshells. And never turn away forever love.



This book had to be the best I've ever read. And I've read quite a few books. It was fantastic until the last page of the book. I kept reading, then there was the last line. THERE NEEDED TO BE MORE! That was a horrible ending. Sad, actually. That was honestly the first book that I have read where the ending isn't fantastic. I cried when it ended. I just... forever love should not end that way. 

Just gotta give up.

I'm kinda done with school. I missed a few major worksheets in math. Easily carrying a D-. And after the test, it's sure to go down. I hate factoring. I suck at it and I'm glad that this is my last year of fucking math in high school. No Algebra 3 for me, please! Physics is easy. But I really just use Chelsea and Kelly for help most of the time. Honestly, I haven't learned a single damn thing in that class. :) YAY for me. I love government. Seriously, has to be one of my favorite classes, even though there are only tards in the class. *cough* Lauren Hawkins *cough*. I don't like her. At all. So there.

I'm addicted to this new show, "In Treatment". It's on HBO. I go to a counselor. Not afraid to admit it either. But sometimes I'm embarrassed because I watch this show and I hate that I can't come up with clever things to come up with like the actors on this show. I guess life isn't supposed to be scripted is it? Shit.

Went to Tony's again today. Dee & Bill are duking it out. I don't think the kids know. I'm kinda the counselor for the both of them right now. When Dee's not in the room, I hear Bill's side of the story. But when Bill's not in the room, I hear Dee's side of the story. I don't mind listening. It's not like I'm going to go to each other and say, "You won't believe what your spouse said... blah blah blah." That's high school shit. Trying to get away from that. It's not my place. I just listen and nod. Whoo.

My mom came to see me on prom. On the way there, I bet Courtney that my mom would be crying within 10 minutes of us being there. She did. But not because she cared about anything. Because my grandma was pissing her off. While standing in line, she called me over. "Entertain me." She said. Two simple words. I could've punched her right then and there. "Seriously?" I said, "I'm at my prom. I'm not going to entertain you when I'm at my prom." She just rolled her eyes. I'm not going to be the fucking mom again. I'm not the God damn mom. I've been the mom for the past 10 years now. I'm done. I'm not there to take care of you when you go through your PMSing shit. Unfortunatly my sisters are. If I could get them out in a heartbeat. Man I wish I could. She's such a child. She acts like she is fucking 3. And I'm done.

When going to my sister's softball game, I saw my step-dad, and anyone who knows me knows that I hate him with almost every fiber of my being. But, I can't treat him any different. My grandma loves him. On our way home from that game, my grandma said, "You know what? I like him more than I like my own daughter. I can actually hold a conversation with him and it's not awkward. I like him better." 

Shit.

Everyone asks me why I haven't reported my step-dad yet. It's because of that. That simple thing. "I like him better." She likes him better than my own mother. She thinks of him as a son. I think of him as a cold-hearted bastard who stole my childhood. What kind of fairness is that? None. That is the worst shit I have ever heard.

Long post tonight. Must have been in the mood to spill my guts.
Comment if you want.
Whatever.
 

I think that starting something from scratch really would not do any good. Yes, you are meeting new people and you are starting your life over. But there is no way that you could forget what ever happened. You still have your memories, good and bad. You are still you even if you are living somewhere else and are not in contact with anyone that you used to be. I think you can start your life over, but you could never forget the experiences that got you to where you are. That is utterly impossible. And that sucks.

I can't believe you said that to me.

Me: Are you mad at me?
Cousin: Hell yeah, I want to die.
Me: Why? 
Cousin: Because ur a fucking brat that doesn't give a shit about her family fuck off loser all u r is a band geek LOL
Me: Why do you think I am a brat? Hm?
Cousin: Because ur still living, and I don't like u. u never visit r family which makes u a brat
Me: Have you ever thought about why I don't come over? It's not because I don't want to be a part of OUR family.
Cousin: Because ur a prick
Me: Yeah... sure that's the reason.
Cousin: No it's because r family hates u. shut up and never talk to me again.

That was the conversation. Just that. Simple. Those simple words. "Because our family hates you." Simple, but why do they make me cry every single time I read them over. I can't believe this has escalated the way it has. Why can't my family be honest, tell the truth, and admit that it's my fucking fault. Get it over with.

This. This right here is why I'm losing faith. Faith in everything I do. I've given up. I'm done. I've said it over and over before. But, I can't believe this. It's almost as if the words were a wake up call. Things aren't going to be the same. Ever again. I'm just going to except the fact that I caused this. Whatever.

It hurts.
 

1) Believe in God.
2) Travel without a map. Go with a friend and never question what time it is and where you're going to go. Just go.
3) Watch a meteor shower until I fall asleep.
4) Watch a meteor shower, period.
5) Forget.
6) Forgive.
7) Have a kid named Kornelious. Or meet one.
8) Feel accomplished.
9) Not lose what's left of my ability to express myself.
10) Scuba dive.
11) Go to all 7 continents. (This probably won't happen, but who knows? Maybe I'll be rich and famous one day. Maybe.)
12) Give myself permission once in a while to just relax (maybe take a bubble bath or even a nap) without feeling guilty that I should be doing something more important.
13) Sleep for 12 hours straight. (Hell, sleeping for 8 hours straight would be nice.)
14) Become someone that no one will want to forget.
15) Stay in touch with friends after high school.
16) Swim with a dolphin.
17) Learn to speak a foreign language. And actually use it outside of the classroom.
18) Learn not to say 'yes' when you really mean 'no'.
19) Learn an instrument.
20) Drive across America, coast to coast.
21) Go skinny dipping.
22) Save $1,000.
23) Learn to play the piano.
24) Go to IRELAND!!!
25) Make a difference in at least one person's life.
26) Hide all the clocks in my house, and spend three days home alone.
27) Learn to cook, really cook.
28) Build something that I will actually use.
29) Play a huge prank on one of my friends.
30) Kiss in the (pouring) rain.
31) Dance in the rain.
32) Leave myself a note in a library book, then a year later, look for it.
33) Start (and end) something that scares me
34) Quit a bad habit.


[That's all I have so far.]

Honestly, I just got this in my truth box a few days ago. Whoever wrote this, thank you. It means so much:

"You know, I am amazed at how strong you are. Even if you believe that everything is overwhelming you and you can't help it, I think you can take on the world. I always see you with a smile, and it amazes me how you can still do that. Continue to be strong. You're amazing. =]]"

You don't know what you've just done.
: )

"Well, I don't know who else to invite."
--My grandma on who comes to my concert.
March 5th, 2009.

Why does my mom always do this to me? Put me in these awkward situations. She's going to cheat on my step-dad, but should I feel bad for him? After what he's done to me? I shouldn't. But I do. He is one of the few people that I absolutely hate. Strong word, I know. But she told me this, and now it's on my shoulders. Thanks mom. Really. Then she keeps telling me that my step-dad took me away from her. Which isn't true. (Well...) I wanted to move out. He was the big reason. But, then again, I couldn't stand another second with her either. If I lived there again, I would go crazy. I would be put in jail for killing them both. Seriously.

I just want to runaway. I know I keep saying that, but how amazing would it be. To run, and never have to look back. To be free. Free from all this shit. From step-dad, grandpa, mother, dad. Oh how nice it would be. I always tell myself, "It'll get better, promise. One day, this will all be done." When? Because I keep waiting and waiting and waiting and it's not here yet.

This is why I find it so hard to believe in God.

I'm done being me.

I'm so mad.
I don't even know what to say.
I'm mad and speechless.

I just want to punch something.
UGH!

The first good day I've had in a while. I can't believe it. I'm going to a counselor in two weeks. With my grandma; which might be a little awkward. But like Stedry said, it's just a 'get-to-know-you' kind of thing. I hope so. I'm not ready to talk about it. I talk about it, but very vague. I'm like that, very vague. Kinda sucks. Then I can't get my point across. Damn. Anyways, I pissed some people off this week. I apologized. But it was bad. Really bad. Sorry, again. It was just a misunderstanding.

I'm exhausted. And I have sooo much stuff to do. I kinda want to just sleep. For the rest of my life. Man, that'd be nice. Anyone with me?

 

I got a 1 at S&E with Courtney.
That's supposed to be exciting, right?
I am excited, but I'm not showing it.
I smiled, that's it. Then I laughed when I saw Schuster.
"They gave you a 1? Were they even listening to you?"
That was actually funny though.

We got a one, but I'm not really excited.
I've hidden all emotions.
I can't show I'm happy.
I can laugh though.

What's going on?